What Are You Living For?

It's been over a year since I've blogged, but tonight I'm feeling inspired.  Uh oh!  Anyway, life has taken many twists and turns since the last time I wrote, and I feel like sharing.

Are you human?  Of course you are.  Lord knows I am.  I had a really bad night tonight.  I've been working with my kids on listening and paying attention.  I jumped all over Jackson about it tonight.  It was a build up.....I didn't live by my own creed, which is to get things out in the open and talk about it.  I made him cry.  Even though everything I said needed to be said, my delivery was so horrid that I made a 7 year old, who is a wonderful kid, cry.  It was bad enough that Courtney had to comfort him, which usually would make me upset.  We believe in a united front in front of the kids, and we discuss differences later.  But tonight I was wrong.  I went for a 15 minute drive to think about why I got so upset.  I realized it wasn't really about what Jax did, it was about me.  I'm in sales, working the hardest job I've ever had, and I'm stressed out.  Like normal 7 and 4 year old boys, they don't always listen, and I've had a build up of frustration about it which resulted in me blowing up. 

So, what am I living for?  There's pressure to make alot of money to give everything to my family that I never had.  It's self-induced pressure.  There's pressure to feel like a good father and husband.  And then there's the pressure of allowing time for myself without feeling bad about it.  I really struggle with the latter.  I'm living for my kids and my wife.  My career is a necessary evil.  I could be a millionaire, but if I'm not a good dad or husband, what would that make me?  A rich bad father and husband.  I've got to have an outlet for my penned up stress.  Last night Courtney talked to me about waking up in the mornings, very early, to exercise.  She's worried about my health....even though now I'm perfectly fine.  But, 10 years from now, if I don't make lifestyle changes, I may not be.  These were words I really didn't want to hear, but they were needed.  I hate exercise.  It comes from a lifetime of having coaches yell at me in the weightroom, using exercise for punishment, and more recently, having a surgically repaired ankle that hurts so bad that most exercise really isn't an option.  I looked into bikes the other day, and guess what......for $900 I can get a bike that will help me exercise.  Yeah right.....I've got little kids.  Every month, when I think we're gonna have all this money left over, it gets eaten up with doctor's visits and outrageous medical bills.  So what do I do?  Who am I living for?

I claim to live for my kids and wife, but if I don't take good care of myself, am I really living for them?  Or am I making excuses not to do something that puts me out of my comfort zone?  If the latter is true, then I'm really living for myself and not doing what I claim and want to do.  I am professing this in front of the world.....I'm going to do better.  I need to drop some lbs, but dadgum pasta is so good!!  But if living without pasta and other carbs means being here for my kids, then I really don't have a choice do I?  It's harder than alot of people realize to be a man in this world.  Societal and self-induced pressures take us away from our number one calling as fathers and husbands.....take care of yourself, so you can take care of those that need you.  You cannot give from an empty cup....a wise man once told me.  So here's to filling my cup, with healthy, and even uncomfortable things so that I can truly be what I want to be.  It won't be easy, it will be the biggest challenge I've faced since playing college football.  BUT, there's a part of me that wants to reengage that former athlete to see if I still have it.  I'll keep you guys posted.  Wish me luck.  Maybe in a few months I'll be able to post a picture of the old Dave, you know, the one that drove the women crazy!!  I kid I kid.  Thanks for listening, and any thoughts are appreciated....especially from those fathers and husbands out there.  After all, I'm writing this for you.

David